I can’t wait for 2009.  I really really really can’t wait for 2009.  I don’t know about you but besides electing the first African American President of the U.S.A. there wasn’t much worth remembering from the past 12 months.  With stale entertainment and a sinking economy 2008 was like a cheap hooker, leaving me hard up and disappointed. 

With that being said, here are my top DUDS for 2008!

POLITICS:  THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

The donkey party was HUGE in 2008, and let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a big ass?  The Republican party ran amuck for close to a decade and now karma is coming for ‘em like African elephant poachers.  With Obama and Biden coming up like Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd in Trading Places, the G.O.P. are going out like those old Winthrope brothers hanging out to dry and looking for a new house (get it, "house"....never mind).

TV:  HEROES

WTF!!!!  I’ve seen chimpanzees use more passion to throw shit than the writing staff at Heroes throw out plot concepts:  Suresh becomes the 2000 Jeff Goldblum Brundle Fly, Sylar isn’t really bad at all (he just has a heroin-addiction-like hunger for power), Ali Larter was a triplet (because a hot cast member is a terrible thing to waste), a dystopian  future must be averted (didn’t this happen in season 1…and 2).  If Season 2 ran low on gas, the first half of Season 3 was on fumes.  Since fuel is down to $1.50 they got no excuse.

MUSIC:  WALE

Last December every major entertainment magazine pegged DC native and Mark Ronson protégé Wale (pronounce Wah-lay) as the musical rookie to watch in 2008.  Problem is you have to actually show us something in order to “watch”, begging me to ask the question, “how long can you be the next big thing?”  Well, get this man a Levitra and let’s hope he can get up in ’09.

SPORTS:  NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Coming off a near perfect ’07 season , the Patriots started ’08 by losing QB Tom Brady to an injury.  Finishing with an 11-5 record shouldn’t be a bad thing but after losing to Buffalo in their final regular season game they became the first team in over 20 years to have stats that good and not make the playoffs.  Yeah Detroit lost every game but this was a humpty dumpty level fall from grace that puts New England in league with Vin Diesel, Hammer & O.J.

…speaking of O.J….

CELEBRITY:  O.J. SIMPSON

After almost 15 years of anger and asking the Lord “WHY!,” white folks everywhere finally got to rejoice when O.J. Simpson was sentenced to up to 33 years in prison for assault and robbery.  Truth be told, most people would have done the same thing in his shoes but maybe this is simply karma catching up to his dumb ass.  Poor old Johnny Cochran’s gotta be rolling in his grave right now.

MOVIES:  PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

Don’t Believe The Hype!  Out of the 4 Judd Apatow (the man behind Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin, & Superbad) produced flicks released in 2008, Pineapple didn’t come close to Step Brothers (Will Ferrell’s best movie in 2 years) and Forgetting Sarah Marshall which has to be the most under rated movie of the year.  All I know is this, I didn’t laugh more than a couple times through the entire flick with its poorly timed and seemingly improvised dialogue, cheap production value, and action scenes that make The Fall Guy  look like The Matrix.  Whoever told me this movie was funny must’ve been high..uh...in retrospect, that makes sense…

As cantankerous as I am I could go on and on, but I digress.  Here’s to 2009, a year that I hope will have higher standards.  I’ll see you all again in 12 months.

-          The Big Ragu