My mother always said, "If you have nothing good to say don't say anything at all."  Let's just say I was disobedient as a kid.  How do I count the ways...first, my favorite new generation actor has got to be Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Brick, The Look Out) who typically makes independent films but has decided to make a turn for commercial acceptance in the role of SPOLER ALERT Cobra Commander.  This isn't the Cobra Commander you grew up with, this is some weird reject James Bond baddy with an affinity for Senator Palpatine and Dr. Evil.  Possibly the greatest hi-lite of this film had to be the chance to see our favorite mute ninja Snake Eyes (played by Ray Park aka Darth Maul) in the flesh but when I finally got a glimpse of his mask's built in lips I was immediatly reminded of the travesty that was Batman's nipple suit (see Batman Forever and Batman & Robin).  The special FX are of a standard usually reserved for Sci-Fi classics like Sharks In Venice and Snake Head Terror.  The dialogue hit its peak when Snake Eyes shakes Rip Cord's hand prompting him to reply, "What a Kung Fu grip." (a lazy reference to the original 12" Joe figures), it was down hill from there.  I could go on and on but that would only drive you to go spend money on this film out of pure curiosity.

Keep your reminiscing to a minimum this weekend and if you must rehash your 80's childhood have friends over for a John Hughes memorial movie marathon.  If that doesn't cure your desire then hit up Target, buy some toys and a cam corder, make your own movie, and post it on Youtube because anything else would be better than this.

- M.G.